God is good?

I feel like if you were to ask me to describe the past two months, I would be hard pressed to find the words to accurately portray what it was like. There is something to be said about being all the way across the globe in a totally new place and culture with totally new people. It’s hard to describe when those people start to feel like family and the place starts to feel a bit more like home. 

It’s even harder to describe when you return home – to your real family, lifelong friends, and what is really home. Nothing has really changed. Nothing but you. I came home to the same house, the same bed, the same friends, the same family, the same dog, the same roads, the same town. I have the same plans I’ve had since before I left. But in the same breath, nothing feels the same.

Now my heart reaches all the way to the streets of Chiang Mai and the roads of Batam. It takes days of travel to reach these places but only a split second in my mind. If I divert my focus for even half a second, I am suddenly in our bunk beds having snack time, running with sweat in my eyes, picking up the kids that stretch their arms out to me, sewing a leather journal tight. I am wandering the night market, sharing my story, petting an elephant, and picking up shells.

When I refocus a split second later, I am sitting in my hometown with my family and the friends that watched me grow up. I am preparing to head to my college town, my second home for the past two years. Just two short months ago I felt so blessed to have two places I called home. Now there is even more. They say home is where the heart is. My heart’s gone global. Pieces of it are in Indonesia and Singapore and Thailand. I know I won’t ever get those pieces back, I’ll probably never even get to visit them again. They’re frozen in time. But I wouldn’t change a thing. I wouldn’t trade my summer for the world. Not a single part. Not the parts that hurt, that pushed me to my limit, that made me question everything, that felt so heavy. I would choose every part again because I know every part changed me.

Through it all, God was good. God is good. Something we hear all the time. How often do we sit and think about what it really means? My favorite song has always been Goodness of God, even before I knew who God was. Getting to know God is a lifelong process but at His core, God is good. That is literally who He is. He is the standard for moral perfection and the basis of all righteous action. Any badness is just goodness spoiled. Goodness has always been the baseline. But even though the goodness of God is the basis of who He is, it is one of the most questioned parts about His character. “How can God be good? How can a good God let this happen?” 

These frequent questions come from the depths of human pain and the inability to understand any certain darkness. There’s something in us all that repulses at the dark evils of this world and knows there is disorder. We were created in the image of God, meaning we were created in goodness for goodness. We know when something goes bad like food or a plan or even just a day. But remember, badness is just goodness spoiled. The sin and fallness of the world invites goodness to spoil in a million different ways, some more rancid than others. But God is still good.

One of my biggest prayers recently has been that God would show me small reminders of His goodness. He showed me plentiful abundance in the small details all summer. Whether it was the mango that was so good, the street food adventures, having a real towel, finding a gym, getting to talk to my friends on FaceTime, the quiet spaces on the roof, conversations that make me laugh so hard I’m crying or when I looked up and saw stars after praying to just see them once this summer. But sometimes these small, sweet reminders do little to combat the striking spoil we face in the midst of our greatest heartaches.

When we find ourselves screaming out “where was the goodness in that?”, we are confronted with our unbelief. Do we actually believe that God is good? That God is good all the time? That He has our best interests in mind? That He is a good Father? I know this was a belief I had to face this summer. Because to be honest, walking through hell just saying “God has a plan, it’s okay” won’t cut it. In no other relationship do you walk through heartbreak and just muster up the conclusion that it must be for good, not presenting even a single question. We are invited to wrestle with God. If we want to grow and heal and move forward, it is an invitation we have to take. Honesty is the best policy and it especially is with God. He doesn’t want the prayer you think you’re supposed to say of “your will be done, I know you’re good even if I don’t see it.” Yes, those statements are true but He wants your broken heart. He wants the part of you that is wondering and scared and hurting and doubting. He wants the parts that say, “where are you? I don’t see you, I don’t feel you, I don’t believe you’re good.” He can’t confront our unbelief and the lies that are speaking louder than the truth until we admit them. 

He is inviting us into a deep relationship with Him but no good relationship is built on dishonesty. Our doubts, fears, angers and hurts aren’t too much for Him. In fact, He is asking for just that. More than anything He wants how we really feel. God is so good. He wants to show us that truth gently. Goodness and gentleness were at the top of what I was learning this summer. And each time I dig deeper, I am met with more goodness and gentleness. Who knows – next time you ask “where was the goodness that?” – you might just be met with “Right there my child.” All you have to do is ask.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” – Matthew 7:7-8

elephant fun day!

banquet!!

91 hour travel day…

home!!!!!!